Sing like no-one is listening.

So... One of the things I struggle with is the negative things from my past. Not in that they are plaguing me, but because I cannot talk about them.

Some things, obviously, you cannot just open a conversation with, and you'd probably never share them with Joe Bloggs anyway, but there are people with whom you feel you should be able to share them but can't because their default setting is 'get over it already'.

If I need to work out some troubling issue I'll do it with my counsellor or partner, but having done that you feel free (within yourself) to talk about it because doing so empowers you - you are no longer afraid of it and you demonstrate this to yourself by talking about it.

The trouble is that for one reason or another these things make people uncomfortable. Either because it's a topic they find difficult or because it makes them feel guilt for whatever reason.

It's frustrating that those close to you think you're clinging to the past when in actual fact you're moving past it. They want you to forget those things, pretend they didn't exist. But those things are part of you, they helped shape who you are, how can people expect you to simply 'delete' whole chunks of your life because it will make them feel better?

So... How do we overcome? How do we get people who should care about us to listen? How can we make them understand that a short term feeling of uncomfortableness for them can mean a massive leap forward for us to permanently feel comfortable with ourselves?

Everybody dies, but not everybody lives.

Today I submitted the first job application that genuinely reflects me, warts and all, without any fear. It was a truly liberating experience. Given that the only post I've applied for previously that I ticked the disability box for had the undesired consequences I had feared, I'm truly surprised at myself. I hope that it's a sign that I'm letting go just a little more...

When I was first diagnosed with depression at 16 I didn't once stop to think about what it meant for my future. It did not occur to me that I would still be struggling with it over 15 years later. Yet, looking back, I can't help but wonder if I hadn't fought it so much would I be in a better place today. Still, for all that's happened, I find myself in a solid relationship, with two wonderful children, three daft cats, and countless fabulous people in my life. I just wish I could see it all the time. I just wish I could shake the paranoia and self-doubt that come hand in hand with it.

I know there are millions of other people in the world with similar troubles, and indeed much worse, but part of the problem is reaching out, making yourself known, and pushing aside that doubt for just a moment to try and find someone who is understanding. So this is me putting myself out there, exposing my muddled mind to the world. I need to let myself live. And to do that I need to let go just a little bit more...